Knowing about communication, relationships and personal development, I love giving people the opportunity to develop quality relationships with each other rather than blaming themselves and each other for the lack of quality in the time they are together.
I wrote a book "how to train your man to talk" for women to use as a resource to enhance the quality of their communication, for themselves, their children, families, friends and workmates.
I often wonder about the need for parents to punish their children.
I know for myself I usually did not understand why I was being punished as a child.
I remember one day I was being chastized by Lesley, my mother.
I think I had not completed my chores to her satisfaction in some way.
We lived on a farm in Ardmona, a country district in Victoria, Australia.
A swagman happened to be walking along the road past the front fence at the time. Lesley said "you would not like to end up like him would you?" I thought for a moment about how wonderful it would be to wander around the countryside free of the cares, worries and chores that I had in my life.
I innocently answered "actually I would like to be like him."
Lesley was furious. She hit me several times on the backside very hard with the garden hose. I immediately learned to never share honestly and openly what I really thought.
That leson has caused me much pain over the years. Lying and witholding my own self expression has cost me the joy of honest open communication for decades.
Yet now, many years later, I know that Lesley's intent was actually for me to learn to work diligently.
I think that parents and children need to communicate effectively with each other.
Often that would reduce or eliminate the need for punishment.
Somebody defined courage as commitment + doubt.
If we face a challenge that we know is easy for us, we do not need much courage to make the commitment to take on that challenge. However if we choose to take on a much bigger challenge, we have less certainty and some doubt that we will win. It takes courage to face such a challenge.
With faith, there is no doubt.
I suppose we trust and believe.
Yet I often see people who have faith in things or people.
They may have faith in the accumulation of wealth. They may have faith in some particular person. Or faith in their religion or church. We are often expected to have faith in our government.
In all of these, it probably takes courage to have faith, as all of these fail us at least some time in our lives. All have failed me.
Some have faith in God as they study the Bible, obey all the commands, pray and fellowship together. Does their faith ever fail them if they do all those things?
1.The female makes the rules.
2.The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification.
3.No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted.
4.If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5.The female is never wrong.
6.If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did not say.
7.If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
8.The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
9.The male is never permitted to change his mind under any circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
10.The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgment she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12.Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female.
14.The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spatial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
15.The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.
16.If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
17.Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.
These rules are supposedly humour. However many males act as victims and use them as evidence for how badly they are treated by women.
Yet if the male was a man, he would not act as a wimp, a wuss or a victim.
A man remains true to his values and purpose in life. He respects himself and his woman.
He could be willing to enjoy the challenge of living by these rules. Yet any time the woman is just being a brat, he can confront her, possibly in a cocky and funny way.
Remember that women have a biological need for a man to be strong enough to love and protect her no matter what. She will test very often to see if her man is good enough.
We live in a society where a male will blame women for upsetting him, instead of being a man enjoying his woman enjoying him.
“How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?”
I will always remember the day Frank (my father) sang these words to me.
I, like so many other people have had many conflicting ideas about how to be a man.
Lesley (my mother) often criticized Frank, and only now am I beginning to understand what is likely to be true.
I believe there is no simple formula to follow to be a man.
The advice "be yourself" may be true, though I did not find the advice at all useful.
After years of attempting to model Lesley's idea about what she expected of Frank, I have found that is definitely not the way to go. Many of the role models that I admired were not the best role models to follow.
Many people said Frank was weak. Yet I have discovered that much of what others claimed to be Frank's weaknesses were in fact his strengths.
It was late in Frank's life when he sang that song to me.
I think he was still feeling lost in those roads to manhood. I certainly was.
As a child, I wanted to be a good boy. I put in much effort. I earnestly prayed for God to make me a good boy. Yet I did not really understand that goal.
Lesley was doing her best to be a good mother.
I now have empathy for Lesley. The goal she was pursuing was impossible to achieve. At that time in her life she failed to realize that her definition of good was in some ways no less valid than another person’s idea of what is good.
She said “I would consider myself to be a good mother if my sons did not go to jail before they were twenty one years of age, and her daughters did not get pregnant before they got married.”
I said “Lesley, I have different aspirations for my daughter.” I really meant what I said.
Lesley later claimed that she was joking in making that statement, yet I believe that there can be some truth in any comment made in jest.
I believe that a boy is not a man unless he can openly declare his beliefs to his parents and respect the right of his parents to have a different set of beliefs.
Frank never gave me the opportunity to face that challenge with me.
He was willing for me to develop my own beliefs, and thought that his guidance would only deny me the opportunity to create my own solutions to my problems.
I remember that when any of us children shared any of our problems with Frank, he would ask “What are you going to do about it?”
Lesley often complained that Frank did not do enough in the family. Only two years before Frank died I asked him “Frank, why did you not play a more active role in bringing up us children?” Frank answered “I considered that Lesley did more than enough for the two of us and any more from me would have been excessive”.
Frank never truly faced the challenge of facing his father.
I do not know if he thought it would be impolite to do so, or he was afraid. Maybe he thought he was respecting or honouring his father by being passive rather than fighting for the right to be treated as an equal.
It was frustrating for workers on the orchard. Frank would give instructions, and later his father would come along and give different instructions to the workers. Frank knew about this, and Lesley put up with Frank’s despair and depression. He felt more like a helpless child than a confident man when dealing with his father.
I wonder how Frank felt being called Frank Pullar Junior while his father was known as Frank Pullar Senior. I know that he was proud of having the Frank R Pullar Childcare Centre named in honour of his work as a councilor and President of the Rodney Shire Council.
I remember one day during the school holidays. One of my school friends was staying with our family for a few days.
We had been playing with Frank’s tape recorder. Frank was angry and he told me and my friend that we were not to play with his tape recorder without his permission.
I understood, and learned that I had overstepped that boundary. It was not a problem to me.
However it was a problem to Lesley. She was very angry with Frank for speaking to me and my friend in that way on one of the few occasions when I had a friend come to our house to stay.
I learned that Lesley was making it difficult for Frank to express himself openly, and Frank had not stood up for his right to do so.
I keep thinking that if Frank had stood for his rights with his father and his wife, I may have had a better role model. Also Lesley may have been inspired to be more open with Julie, her mother.
Lesley was telling me how terrible it was that Frank cried. She thought that real men do not cry. Yet I have learned that a man can be strong by expressing his emotions, not as a victim but as a person who is willing to do whatever it takes to do something about any situation that needs to be changed.
Lesley often criticized the things that Frank did. She put together these words:
“Our father who art at bowls
Hallowed be thy game”.
I think she resented him spending that time away from the family. Yet I now realize how important it is for me to spend time with other people outside my family.
Many people said Frank was weak. I often wondered what they meant when they said that. I knew of several times he had the determination and strength to stand up and say what he truly believed despite much criticism from Lesley and other people.
I often thought in terms of physical strength. Yet after regularly attending the gym and increasing my own physical strength I discovered that they were probably talking about something other than physical strength.
Possibly they were speaking of emotional strength and strength of character.
Frank attended church nearly every Sunday. Lesley only wanted to attend on special occasions and thought that Frank was being indulgent and neglecting his family by spending that time away from the family.
Frank valued regular attendance at church and participation in other church activities.
I have now learned to respect my own values rather than compromising. I also now understand the wisdom of choosing a partner who supports me in that.
I remember an argument between Frank and Lesley. Frank was not willing to say he was sorry for something that he had done. He was willing to apologize and committed to being more considerate. He was humble enough to admit to his mistakes yet he considered that being sorrowful about what he had done would only tend to bring both Lesley and him down.
Lesley wanted Frank to say he was sorry. Frank and Lesley had different values. As I read books and attend counselling and participate in courses about relationships, I am taught the importance of compromising.
I believed that I had to compromise for the sake of my relationship with my former partner when we lived together. I wanted marriage however she hated the thought of being called a wife.
She had been married before and did not want to do that again.
I now know that she probably could have felt attracted to me enough to marry if I had been unwilling to compromise.
I believe that a man is a person who is not willing to compromise his values.
He is willing to enquire into how valid his values are, and to examine any conflicting values he may have.
He does not compromise his values to get the approval of other people.
He is committed to listening to any criticism of himself, and to doing whatever it takes to be in integrity.
Women tend to feel strong feelings of attraction towards men like that.
They enjoy the man’s self respect and feel respected. They feel safe knowing that the man is willing to stand firm in holding his values.
And women will be likely to continue to test that the man is in fact as strong as he appears.
A man is willing to be tested, and can enjoy that challenge. Yet I have heard many men complain that their wives treated them badly. They told about the woman screaming or yelling. There were complaints of women spending too much money, or not appreciating the hours of work that the man had spent earning it.
I have been to counselling, and many times the counsellor paid more attention to what my former partner was doing “wrong” than teaching me to be there for her in her fear and pain.
I attended a men’s group, and heard men talking about how unreasonable their partners were being.
I have learned that a real man is one who can be there for her woman no matter what is going on for her.
He can be with her in her joy, in her sadness, in her fear and in her excitement. He can be responsible for nurturing the relationship rather than blaming her for the problems in the home. He can be strong enough to allow his woman to feel safe enough to express herself fully. She may scream, cry, laugh, sing or dance.
She can share her deepest secrets with him knowing that she can trust that he will never disclose anything confidential with anybody else.
I do not know many men like that.
I am still learning about being a man. I am glad that I have learned much over the years.
I often think how difficult it is for males of the human race in our society to become men when our media, television, newspapers and magazines are showing us such poor examples.
Advertisers who tell us that we need to purchase their products to be a man.
Movies that give us misleading messages.
Even laws that attempt to restrict us and remove our freedom to be men.
Years ago there were men who fought for their god given rights to the freedom to be men.
Frank did not go to fight in the Second World War. He stayed to look after the orchard while his brothers went to the warfront. Maybe that is why some people thought Frank was weak. I wonder if he was or not.
As I think of those who risked their lives to fight for the freedom that we now often take for granted, I wonder how many of us would be strong enough to do whatever it takes to defend our freedom.
Some of those who did go to the war have told me that they went “because it was the thing to do at the time.” Yet as I hear of their experiences, I am amazed at their courage.
Most seem to be very humble about it. I guess seeing that they survived while their friends who fought alongside them died would have been a very humbling experience.
I admire their willingness to talk about those times despite the pain that they feel revisiting those traumatic incidents.
I ask myself “Would I be willing to fight?” It is not an easy question to answer, as so many of the current conflicts are ones that seem to me to be more about Governments fighting for power than about people fighting for freedom.
These days I hear so many people complaining about the government.
I can usually put a stop to the complaining by asking the question “Have you spoken with your local government representative about that?” Only rarely has anybody answered yes. On those few occasions I have been excited to hear of the efforts at making a difference.
I remember Brian Cabena. I heard about how he enjoyed classical music. He considered that the government radio broadcasting network was not catering for the needs of those who wanted to listen to classical music.
He created a community of like minded classical music enthusiasts and lobbied government representatives to change the government broadcasting policy. He recommended that the government allow a community radio broadcasting station to transmit stereophonic classical music broadcasts on the FM radio band.
It was not easy.
That radio frequency band had already been allocated by the government for other purposes and the government broadcasting policy did not allow for such broadcasts.
Brian and his community (the Music Broadcasting Society) were not willing to be stopped by this. He continued to write submissions to the government representatives and to speak with those who had the power to change the government policy.
The government suggested that maybe the broadcasts could be transmitted on the UHF band. Brian and some members of his community eventually got authorization to perform test transmissions. They assembled the transmitters and antennas and they discovered that the reception of FM broadcasts on the UHF band in a moving motor vehicle worked very poorly compared with the reception of FM broadcasts on the VHF FM band that the United States, Europe and other countries use.
After much more work, the Music Broadcasting Society was authorized to perform test transmissions on the VHF FM radio band. By then the Music Broadcasting Society was strong both in Sydney and in Melbourne, and broadcasts began in both states. The Music Broadcasting Society eventually were allocated a frequency to transmit Stereophonic FM radio broadcasts on a permanent basis. Probably only because one man was more willing to do whatever it takes to get a fair deal for himself and his fellow citizens rather than to compromise and settle for what the government dictated.
I consider Brian Cabena was being a man.
Yet I hear so many people saying “I can’t do anything about it” as they complain about anything that they feel dissatisfied about. I think Frank (my father) was being a man in asking his children “what are you going to do about it?” when any of his children complained about anything.
I invite you boy.
Step up
Fight for your right to be a man
Be a man
man talk quality relationships
